“Listen – can you spot me, say, five dollars? There’s a sex shop across the street and I am really cravin’ one of those rainbow dick pops. Promise I’ll pay you back.”

“I’d slow down on those drinks if I were you. At the rate you’re going, you’ll end up going home at 2 with a 10 and waking up at 10 with a 2.”

“The day’s barely started and I already need a cocktail – or maybe someone to shoot me in the liver. It’d feel the same either way.”

“So– I picked up these scented nail enamels from the drugstore today, and I can’t decide which one I want to try first. Should I go with China Flower or Bordeaux? They’re both really fuckin’ pretty, but I’m not sure which one would smell less like the inside of an old lady’s vagina. What do you think?" 

“– If you keep makin’ a damn fool out of yourself, I’ll stick my heel so far up your ass that you’ll be singin’ like a Bee Gee.”

“You see the way I lined my eyes? How one line looks slightly thicker than the other? That’s because no one cares. Don’t be so goddamn hard on yourself; you’re fine the way you are.”

“Let me ask you a fair question: did you ever stop to think that the reason why you’re single is because you’re focusing too hard on the short-term achievement of a relationship rather than the long-term maintenance of one?”

“Girl, your hair isn’t just lookin’ a little crunchy – it’s lookin’ a little thirsty.”